4 year hiatus

Heys! Apparently my current boyfriend reads this blog sometimes.. hahaha.. so this is not exactly a letter to myself anymore.. hopefully I can still talk freely here even though I know he reads and he'll probably ask me about it once he discovers this new post.. hahaha.. I'm just sitting here waiting for Mr w n a to finish their stuff.. so just reflect reflect.. hahah.. 2014.. 1 year after daddy was diagnosed.. I remember that he was diagnosed around the same time as my last breakup, around the same time as his last one was discovered.. after that, amazingly, mommy still put in everything she have to take care of him... Ok.. maybe is everything minus the feelings... But when the maid's not around, she still has to shower him.. so I guess that my feelings are stronger? So dumb.. like the offence is not even against me.. I remember the time when I shaved.. and daddy patted my head.. it actually feels like how z always pat my head now.. it always reminds me of daddy.. not exactly in a good way actually.. the contact feels good... Just the strength that they use is like the same.. I think daddy felt like that cos he kind of lost his fine motor control.. z... I dunno.. so.. anyways.. enough of daddy... Omg.. I just realise that the day we got together is almost exactly 5 years after the break up.. hahaha.. was just suddenly thinking of the date and realised that.. anyway.. so 5 years out of it le.. a lot of self discovery during these 5 years.. learning to accompany myself probably started before the break.. so 7 years by myself :)) it was good! A bit too good I think.. haha.. now I'm like lost.. I forgot how the initial sweetness is like, like all I remember is the part after we have grown into each other's lives, or rather grown out of each other's lives.. I think the sweetness also different? School days like see each other everyday, go out dinner together everyday, then weekends go out also.. now work.. is that still possible? I hope it is :D hehe.. minus the seeing everyday, I actually do wonder very often if I'm really attached.. I guess the phone call also helps reassure me :D something else that wanders around in my head is z's commitment phobia.. if he has that phobia, why did he ask? I don't think I have commitment phobia so it's like kind of hard for me to understand.. for someone with that phobia, does it take a lot a lot for them to ask and commit? So if he asks, does it mean that he's really committed now? Too long nv post liao.. I can't tell if this is gonna be a long post.. let's go! :))