Lesson number one

 Just looking for somewhere to record my thoughts and feelings. Why does it feel like 1 step forward, 2 steps backwards? Did I take it for granted that we will only keep progressing forward? Trigger #1: ym not out yet? Like, can't u see for yourself? Why need to ask me stupid question.. if you're trying to have a conversation, ask how am I, else just don't say anything. U claim to know me well, but really, I don't think u know me at all. Either that or u know me and just love to push all my buttons. Trigger #2: the table needs to move more. Use ur eyes to see, sister. I'm already doing sth abt it. If u're not going to help or ask if u can help with anything, don't comment. Ur comments are negative help. I guess I got too excited about the progress. Back to lesson number one for me, ignore useless words.

trying to figure out myself

the original draft got deleted :(( shortened version.. original plans for the weekend: Friday birthday dinner with m, Saturday lunch/tea with p and hy, adex with o and hy, dinner with z (assumed in my head cos Saturday is one of our days). Friday, xj arranges for birthday dinner instead and m change dinner to Saturday without confirming details. Place not important but time is important because she has time preferences/restrictions for dinner. But, no discussion on that. Just assume I'm free at her dinner time. Then when I try to discuss with her and tell her that I'm out with o and hy for adex, she gives irritated face as though it's my fault that I nv eat birthday dinner with her. Then say forget it, I just go dinner with z. I already in my head change dinner to lunch because of ur sudden plans, don't make it like it's my fault and u're so weiqu.. then z comes along and says we don't have plans for today. Mm.. aren't u supposed to plan for it according to what we previously agreed? *trigger#1

Because of the 1st trigger, I went down this train. Because of my own personality and preferences, time and energy are important to me. This means that I need to plan in advance how much time and energy I'm going to expend and how I'm going to expend those. I cannot just say ok, so u not free then we don't meet today, then end of conversation. What I read from that is ok, I don't really want/need to see u so much, so it's ok that we don't see each other. This is why I continued to ask about the minimum requirements for meeting frequency. I'll continue to discuss and confirm the next time I see u. I think this is also why I'm scared of saying bye. Cos I don't know when I'll see u next or when the next time it is I have to spend good time with u. Yup. So this was trigger#2. I can't figure how this works...

4 year hiatus

Heys! Apparently my current boyfriend reads this blog sometimes.. hahaha.. so this is not exactly a letter to myself anymore.. hopefully I can still talk freely here even though I know he reads and he'll probably ask me about it once he discovers this new post.. hahaha.. I'm just sitting here waiting for Mr w n a to finish their stuff.. so just reflect reflect.. hahah.. 2014.. 1 year after daddy was diagnosed.. I remember that he was diagnosed around the same time as my last breakup, around the same time as his last one was discovered.. after that, amazingly, mommy still put in everything she have to take care of him... Ok.. maybe is everything minus the feelings... But when the maid's not around, she still has to shower him.. so I guess that my feelings are stronger? So dumb.. like the offence is not even against me.. I remember the time when I shaved.. and daddy patted my head.. it actually feels like how z always pat my head now.. it always reminds me of daddy.. not exactly in a good way actually.. the contact feels good... Just the strength that they use is like the same.. I think daddy felt like that cos he kind of lost his fine motor control.. z... I dunno.. so.. anyways.. enough of daddy... Omg.. I just realise that the day we got together is almost exactly 5 years after the break up.. hahaha.. was just suddenly thinking of the date and realised that.. anyway.. so 5 years out of it le.. a lot of self discovery during these 5 years.. learning to accompany myself probably started before the break.. so 7 years by myself :)) it was good! A bit too good I think.. haha.. now I'm like lost.. I forgot how the initial sweetness is like, like all I remember is the part after we have grown into each other's lives, or rather grown out of each other's lives.. I think the sweetness also different? School days like see each other everyday, go out dinner together everyday, then weekends go out also.. now work.. is that still possible? I hope it is :D hehe.. minus the seeing everyday, I actually do wonder very often if I'm really attached.. I guess the phone call also helps reassure me :D something else that wanders around in my head is z's commitment phobia.. if he has that phobia, why did he ask? I don't think I have commitment phobia so it's like kind of hard for me to understand.. for someone with that phobia, does it take a lot a lot for them to ask and commit? So if he asks, does it mean that he's really committed now? Too long nv post liao.. I can't tell if this is gonna be a long post.. let's go! :))

Nokia Asha 210!!!

The Nexus S power button died. I probably need to take the phone apart to see if I can do anything about it. I forgot I have the tools for that until sup sup reminded me that I could try that. So, once it powered up (by removing and reinserting the battery), I had to keep using the phone to prevent the screen from going off. Else, I had to restart the phone again. Basically, I didn't use it at all on Saturday.

Bought the Nokia Asha 210. Yellow, 2G phone, synchronising the contacts now. Good to go otherwise :)

update

I guess I should be giving some kind of a current status of life. Working in M1, finished 3.5 years of my 4 year bond, considering being an air stewardess or studying logistics and going into the logistics industry. There's really nothing so wrong with my current job that makes me want to go off. It's just the thought of trying something different.

Mommy's still working, her own machinery and parts shipping company. Daddy's ill with MSA, he should have another 3-4 years to endure? Kor's in a children brain stimulating education center, Masterhands? A.K.A. expensive tuition/student care center.

I don't dare to start typing about what's going on inside. It's somewhere I don't even want to look because I'll just end up crying like mad.

Slack?

Seems like I give my friends the impression that I'm very slack at work. Like everyone can imagine me chilling in one corner in the office drinking from a glass.

Am I really that slack? My colleagues don't seem to think so. I feel like I don't get to doing my work fast enough though. Is the impression caused by my seeming chillness? I wonder if that's good or bad. I wonder if it'll hurt me in the future.

Honestly, it hurts me that my friends think that way. Or maybe I just don't like to think of myself as busy. And I don't like people to say they're busy, just because I believe everyone has a choice as to how they want to spend their time. There's no such thing as no choice. There's definitely a reason for us to do everything, be it a reason we know of or not. Maybe it's because it's socially acceptable that we do as such, that's a reason and a choice too. Just us choosing to do what's socially acceptable. You choose to be "normal".

back to blogging. old school?

Just decided to come back to blogging to log things that I want to remember, as a diary? Probably no one knows this blog still exists so it's probably pretty private.

HAVOC 2010

definitely a lot of memories in store for me as a logistics officer, being the first female logistics officer and also the first person in HAVOC history ever to "step down" from an ex-officio to a logistics officer. i had the experience i believe few will ever have. i can't say i have had much interaction with the freshies except for the 2 which i talked to on friday as they were in the front of the lorry the entire morning. however, i must say at the same time, that this was the first camp i felt i really talked to some people in camp. i know i always felt the incapacity to talk to people and truly care for them, but in this camp, i can say i've started to overcome that "challenge" of mine. the amount of things i talked to others during camp was repeated to my dear dear for over 2 hours, with a lot of details left out.

on the whole, i learnt 1 most important thing about myself. i do judge people as i see them at that certain point in time from what i see of them. i know some will say this is very narrow-minded. i have come to realise that people do change and things cannot be said for sure of them. today, you may see someone do something you dislike and condemn the person and decide never ever to talk to the person again. but 5-10 years down the road, with more experience gained along the way, the person may mature and even surpass you in maturity. point is, to not judge anyone just as you see them according to the short few days, hours or even minutes. if God did that to us, none of us would end up in heaven.

resolute

lord, i want to stop knowing about you. i want to share my life with you. i want to learn to fear you.